Atlanta Nordic Walkers

Founded: August 2023

In the city of Atlanta, where the streets twist and turn like a particularly indecisive snake, there emerged a group of individuals who decided that the hustle and bustle of modern life was simply too—well—horizontal. They sought verticality, metaphorically speaking. And so, with an utter disregard for both geography and common sense, they embraced the art of "Nordic walking," having misread the concept entirely. They envisioned themselves as rugged explorers of an urban tundra, scaling the peaks of Peachtree Street as if it were the Matterhorn. Clad in headbands that made them look like extras from a very low-budget science fiction film, they took to the streets with walking poles in hand, navigating the city's terrain as if the sidewalks were about to rebel at any moment.

The original walkers were a peculiar bunch, naturally. The leader, or at least the one who seemed to know where they were going (which was debatable), was known as Zombie Number 228. He wasn't an actual zombie, of course, but rather a man who had run so many marathons that he had forgotten how to stop. He merely existed in a state of perpetual forward motion, like an escalator that nobody knew how to turn off. He had a certain pallor about him and an unsettling habit of staring into the middle distance as if expecting it to stare back.

His fellow walkers included The Strolling Swan, a roller-skier on her off days, who took her dachshunds for rides in a jogging stroller, slaloming through the BeltLine with the grace of a caffeinated flamingo, usually wielding her Nordic poles to shoo away slowpokes like a peach farmer swatting flies in the summer heat.

And then there was Stickler, who carried walking poles like a warrior would carry his sword—though he never actually used them in the manner intended. He preferred to wave them about, gesticulating wildly while explaining that Nordic walking was a misunderstood art form that probably involved more interpretive dance than people realized.

Eloise Inkwell