Kelp Youngweed

Name: Kelp Youngweed

Role: Psychologist (kind of)

Backstory

Meet Kelp Youngweed, the Offbeat League’s most baffling staff member. Kelp's journey into the world of psychology was, in true Offbeat fashion, an accident. He had every intention of becoming a renowned psychologist, but somewhere between an unfortunate smudge on his application and his tendency to drift off into abstract thoughts, he found himself enrolled in phycology—the study of algae. One might wonder how long it took him to notice. The answer, as it turns out, was about three years into his degree, when he finally realized that the human brain contains significantly less seaweed than expected.

Still, Kelp completed his degree. After all, the way he saw it, algae and the mind had quite a bit in common—both mysterious, both floating in murky depths, and both prone to occasional uncontrolled growth. His thesis, "Kelp Me, I'm Thinking: An Unlikely Confluence of Brains and Brine" was not exactly groundbreaking, but it earned him top marks for originality (or, as one professor put it, "because we weren’t sure what else to do with him").

Through a combination of paperwork errors, cosmic mischief, and the League’s perpetual need for someone stranger than its athletes, Kelp somehow ended up as the league’s resident psychologist. Now, if you ask him (and most people don’t, because his explanations tend to involve more algae than anyone expects), he’ll tell you the human mind is essentially a giant ocean of thoughts, and sometimes, you just need a good mental current to keep from sinking. His therapeutic advice is full of such pearls of wisdom as:

"When you’re feeling stuck, think like seaweed—just float along and let life carry you."

"Anger is a lot like pond scum; if you don’t skim it off, it just spreads."

"Remember, happiness is buoyant. Kelp floats. You should, too."

His office, predictably, is full of tanks of algae, which he insists are "very therapeutic" for the players who visit him—though most of them are too busy wondering whether the algae is meant to be part of the therapy or simply a reflection of Kelp’s misguided career. Nonetheless, Kelp’s methods are surprisingly popular in the Offbeat League. Whether it’s his calming presence, the hypnotic swaying of the algae, or the fact that his advice is just confusing enough to distract from actual problems, players often leave his office feeling… well, different.

Kelp’s professional philosophy is simple: "Life’s too complicated to be taken seriously. Think like kelp—root yourself in the chaos, but float with the currents." How exactly he still has a job remains one of the League’s most enduring mysteries. But then again, it’s the Offbeat League—so anything goes.