The First Showdown: New York Climbers vs Derry Ballooons
Welcome back, Offbeat enthusiasts, to the unpredictable and wonderfully nonsensical world of the Offbeat League! In just a few short days, on Friday, October 4th, we’ll witness the first showdown of this cycle and what a matchup we have: the New York Climbers versus the Derry Ballooons [sic] (yes, with three “O’s,” because why not). The venue? New York, of course. The game? Well, your guess is as good as mine—we’re still waiting for the rulebook, which, as tradition goes, may not arrive until halfway through the match... or ever.
Now, what do we know about these two teams?
The New York Climbers, led by the ever-iconic Gorilla Greg are famous for scaling skyscrapers with all the finesse of a gorilla poet—and by that, I mean broad, lofty gestures mixed with unexpected moments of sheer, concrete-clutching haiku brilliance. Greg, with his legendary Empire Swing and the occasional upside-down poetry recital, never fails to turn any match into a vertical performance art piece. If you spot pigeons wearing earplugs, you know Greg has just swung by. And, let's not forget Cliffhanger Cleo, the high-rise flailer, who climbs not with grace but with wild enthusiasm that makes you question whether she’s attempting to ascend or performing some kind of aerial jazz improvisation. Either way, she always makes it to the top—half-crushed can of seltzer in hand.
On the other side, we have the Derry Ballooons [sic], a team that operates just a little to the left of reality. Led by the enigmatic Harlequin, whose floating maneuvers and grin leave opponents scratching their heads, the Ballooons [sic] never quite play by any discernible rules. Harlequin, with his signature Sideways Drift and habit of rewriting the rules mid-game, is known for turning a match into a surreal experience. If Harlequin is the master of chaos, then Halflequin—the balloon-wielding apprentice—brings the unintentional comedy. His reality-warping balloons are as likely to float as they are to implode, taking the laws of physics (and several unsuspecting players) with them.
What can we expect from this clash of absurd titans? Well, if history tells us anything, expect chaos, confusion, and possibly the temporary suspension of gravity. With Art Steelmoor presiding as referee, his steel-eyed stare will keep the mayhem just under control, though even he may have a hard time focusing when balloons start warping dimensions or Gorilla Greg begins swinging from the Chrysler Building reminding Art of his own perch high atop the Chrysler Building.
As always, dear fans, throw away your expectations, hold on tight to gravity (if it's present), and prepare for a match where the winner may just be whoever makes it through with their sanity intact.
Until next time, remember: in the Offbeat League, the only rule is that the rules are optional.
May your day be delightfully offbeat,
Eloise Inkwell
